Hey,

I don’t know how to start letters wasn’t good at english but loved the literature, being able to analyse a story and characters excited me,

I always analysed people i never threw myself in anyone’s arms I was a shy one.

I was 8, still held my innocent card

I was normal,

I was normal. 

I found a friend, i found someone who other than my mum made me smile

the jokes were endless.

You was our go to i mean we were only kids,

rides to shop just to get ice cream

“Thanks grandad”

that’s what i used to call you just as a sign of respect.

Mum loved you, Dad appreciated you.

I mean who took a day off just to get his grandchild and friend from school for a day at the park?

I loved those days at the park,

best days of my childhood 

I was so carefree.

I loved being outside. Do you remember that day at the beach?

I do, i remember everything somehow those memories never faded.

You always kept an eye out, you was overprotective of me i always thought you cared i always thought you was like my dad, you know u was my hero just like he used to be but things change.

You said “It’s always going to be alright if i’m here” i felt safe.

I was innocent,

I was normal.

That night,

that night when i knew something  got taken away from me

I never knew how to look at you anymore

have you ever felt paralyzed?

hands in between my thighs and all i could hear in my head was

 “its going to be alright”

the wind blazing from the window i wish i could have reached it, i wish i could have escaped that nightmare. I wish a word could have come out my mouth but i sat there with a blank stare

I sat there.

You looked at me in my eyes with satisfaction,

you got what you wanted right? 

I was still confused of what was going on till she came back with my strawberry ice cream, yes i still remember every detail of that night.

I felt like i got slapped back into reality, i was unconscious

Woke up

I wasn’t normal anymore,

I wasn’t innocent anymore that’s all i could think of.

Did you sleep well that night? 

All i could think of was is she getting the special treatment too? 

was i being punished? 

I couldn’t speak or eat my mum thought it was normal,

i felt your touch all over my body

bath time was my favorite time.

Had to get rid of you somehow 

but every bell ring i knew you’d be waiting

all i wanted was for daddy to save me

“help help help me” 

my mind had its own mouth

but i,

but i 

had nothing. 
I lost touch with reality

all i could see was your face

i was scared,

fear got the best of me

i never used to be scared something i got from my dad.

I was 8 I didn’t know much but i knew silence was killing me inside, things i never even knew of i felt.

sadness started to creep in

i never used to be that kid?

I was innocent i was normal?

*School bell rings*

Dad got me. Dad was there.

you was gone 

every bell had me looking outside

where did you go?

dad told me you went somewhere bad people go to, I was 8 but I wasn’t stupid

I felt bad? the guilt had me up at night even though i knew i did nothing wrong.

It’s been 10 years and all i can think of is

have you changed? 

did you stay the same? 

 i did,

well you changed me 

I started hating men,

i started thinking all they did was hurt girls

i started thinking i would never want anyone to ever get too close to me, close enough to hurt me.

Until i met an angel who touched me gently and softly with their words but this time i was never paralysed I wasn’t scared,

i think that was real love. 

I never wished death upon you,
I never wished anything bad upon you,

I prayed to God. 

I asked for your forgiveness

I’ve forgiven you. 

I hope the 8 year old girl who couldn’t get a word out gets set free once and for all.

I hope where bad people go to changed you.

– Rica