Help Me 

Help! Help ! Help !

Screaming at the top of my lungs hoping you would hear me,
hoping the baby language would make sense to you adults

hoping the screaming and shouting would stop

hoping my crying would solve something.

I mean my cry is a call for help

help me help her she’s all I have, she’s crying whilst trying to pull herself off the ground trying to make sure I see none of it

but it was too late

“maybe she’ll forget as she gets older”



Years go by the screaming never stopped
it was the soundtrack of my life,

I always wished there was a pause button,

I hate noise.

Blood on the kitchen counter because you wasn’t treated like the man of the house  I had to be the superhero, I had to help.

A few bottles later I was the target

a few bottles later I wasn’t you’re favourite anymore

my dream of normal took the wrong turn I suppose.

Hey did you know I loved you and still do,

you was my best-friend

even when you hurt her all the time

you was still somehow my hero

you know as they say not all heroes wear capes.

“Hush little sister don’t you cry,

hold my hand don’t let go it will end soon”

their happiness always meant everything

I never became the angry one

life just moved way to fast for the kid.

I became older, a woman in fact

I somehow always found myself in trouble

you wanted a perfect kid and I was the opposite

I hated it, I wanted to be your favourite again.

All I got was bruises you called It “though love” or “I do this because I love you” I guess you was right?

Maybe not.

She always took care of me after you was done with me, she always tried to protect me she always stood in front of me she’d rather die than watch me be in pain the whole night or limping to school because I was a ‘bad girl’

I guess I deserved it ?

I was just a kid I didn’t know any better, I’m sorry.

I’ve always seen your kind as the enemy an innocent child shouldn’t have to pick sides, sadness had become my comfort zone and happiness seemed like a fairytale.

Have you ever been forced to think it was all your fault? have you ever felt my pain? not the bruises not the scars not the blood.

I’m talking about the pain within, affection can’t be something enjoyable  all I’ve seen affection and love bring is pain

I can’t enjoy love? seems painful, seems draining.

I always wonder what If?

what If I didn’t wake up to the sound of your fist in the air ? what If I never heard her scream ? what If I never came in between It all ?

I cry every time I think about her not being here.

I can’t get away from you, I can’t even daydream in peace all I get Is flashbacks to those terrible nights,

I wish I could erase those memories

I wish I could destroy them

I don’t need them.

My chest gets heavy every time.

Sometimes I want to pick up the phone and tell you how much I’ve grown how much better I’m doing at school , I started listening and dropped the class clown act

I wish you could witnesses what an amazing job she did with us.

I want you to witness how a man Is meant to love a woman,

I call him daddy even though we aren’t related, he calls me “daughter” because he was never blessed with such blessing as he calls It

you never made me feel like a blessing?

I wish you could witness me loving someone else with no fears In the world

I wish I could tell you “you’ve been forgiven”.

I tell myself

“you are brave” “you are strong”

because that’s what you made me become.

“Forgive but never forget

forgive with the intention of moving forward never forget without the intention of becoming better,

Don’t hold on to past hurt or you’ll always be stuck in past. “

-Rica

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