Daddy

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Delicate rose placed in your hands

Chubby cheeks, cute smile and didn’t cry a lot.

Delicate rose placed in your hands on a cold October night but you had no intention of keeping her, loving her, protecting her.

I was always told, “You look just like your mama” and then often hear “You look just like your daddy” and couldn’t stop thinking how accurate that was.

We were like two peas in a pod, I hate it because I knew how you really was

My anger was terrible I would look at you and think why, why are we so angry?

Remember when that terrible thing happened? You stood up for me, you protected me but the same man who was meant to always rescue me was the same one injuring me.

I’ve always wondered what it felt like to have so much power.

You’ve made me hate loudness,

But I still love the loud to make me calm down.

Falling from a distance wishing I could get saved

Trying to convince myself that I’m allowed to seek for all the space I need

Even when I’m all alone still feels like the pieces of the puzzle of my life don’t make sense

Yet again I need answers,

Why do I have to seek for a relationship that’s meant to be naturally there?

“A daughter should not have to beg for a relationship with her father”.

Feels like we’re at war

Two countries, enemies for more than a decade

The border between us is so strong same one that splits us but keeps us together,

The collateral damage that occurs comes from you.

A few bottles and you’re smiling cheek to cheek

Forgetting that a 10-year-old is in the room

Knew about things I shouldn’t way too young,

Heard things I shouldn’t hear

Seen things that can never be just erased from my memory

I still daydream about those days,

Flying plates, loud screams,

The walls even changed color overnight, bright red, seen this happen too many times.

I hate change.

I didn’t use to sleep till I heard you snore why?

Just to make sure no more renovations were made overnight.

I can never tell if she’s in love or terrified it all looks the same to me,

You see love is a complicated thing for me I’m yet to find out what exactly it is. Everyone around me has painted this ugly picture of it, it gets confusing.

All I needed was some guidance but I guess I’ll do it all alone

Not knowing how far you have to climb back up, all I needed was for you to help me back up. Your tough love taught me nothing, made it worse.

Did you know I can’t see anything above, thought it was the inherited bad sight but I just call it the fear of disappointing you I still do things in hope I’d get a praise from you. Sometimes I wonder if I ended everything would you find out. Would you come say goodbye to me? You let me go so far don’t try and look for me now.

Why didn’t you love me enough?

Why didn’t you protect me?

Instead, you shattered my heart tossed it about and brushed it off like it was nothing.

I take time out to figure it out, to figure YOU out.

It’s like I’m reaching for YOU but you’re just a little too far,

Asking for help it’s like the ultimate no.
Days go by years go by and I still can’t figure it out

Everyone seems to have it together why can’t I? You was meant to help me, you was meant to show me the way tell me what I’m doing wrong, pick me up when I fall, tell me you got me.

I mean sometimes it takes others a little bit longer to adjust to change right?

Was I not worth it enough to make any changes?

Mum still tells me goofy stories about you, you wasn’t always so angry what happened? Life comes at you fast I get that, but why did you have to make it so hard for her.

I always put my feelings aside because no matter how many scars I have left of those memories no matter how much hurt you’ve caused me I still love you and it’s so hard to let go when you don’t even want to hold on to me, so I end up slipping up and as per usual I have to pick myself back up because If I don’t then the pills became my bestfriend and the darkness in my room ends up being way to comforting.

“Hey God can you hear me?”

Hopeless but hopeful,

I mean it all can’t be so bad when there’s someone who loves me more than my mama.

Reaching, hoping, searching,

That’s all I can do.

Reminiscing makes me end up in a bad place because I always struggle to remember good things but on the plus side, I have to thank you for keeping me and RIP to the unborn ones that I never got to see.

Now there’s another little me running around that I’ll probably never get to see, I’m happy for a new life but sad that she has to endure this pain, the pain in your heart that makes you feel abandoned.

Things happen for a reason so I’ll never want to change anything because all of this made me who I am.

You’ve split my soul open, made me discover things I never knew I’d find about myself but I always know how to give to those who give me nothing because the reward will always be bigger than what I’ve ever been able to offer.

Thank you.

-Rica

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