If I could 

What would I do if I could do what I really wanted to do?

What would I say if I could say what I really wanted to say?

What would I do if I had the choice to make?

What would I do?

I hold all the power but yet I feel powerless,

I got it but I can’t find it.

Maybe it’s a mind trick,

I got it but I don’t want to reach for it, I want it but do I really want it?
I search deeper and deeper for some courage as I pick up the blade and look at my tears falling down as I look myself in the mirror.

I see my pain and I see it vividly, this time it’s different it’s staring right back at me, caught me off guard.
Can I really take it all away with one breath?

Am I capable of this or am i just a ‘pussy’ ?

Being ok with whatever destiny throws at you isn’t as scary as embracing death with open arms,

I would hug it and not let go

and it would hug back because that’s all it expects from me. 

At this point I’m content, not happy but just about content.

I don’t know what will happen, will I see the bright light? will it be extremely bright?

What if there is no light? 

What if all I get to see is darkness?

What if I never took that last breath?
I never know what to tell myself when I start to build up the courage, it takes over me stronger than anything; I’m a raging bull all I see is red.

I don’t like being stopped I feel like all eyes are always on me, they must think I’m crazy they must think I’m nuts and to top it off I have ‘no balls‘.

“If you really wanted to do it then you would” 
“You’re amazing don’t do this” 

They don’t feel me, they don’t love me they barely know me so how are you going to tell me what I am or what to do?
The attention makes me shiver not that type of the attention but the one some people you barely speak to give you. In hopes you embrace them with open arms and tell them how much your heart can’t take anymore or how close you are to the edge and you’re losing all the grip.

“You can do this”

Yes,

yes

I can but I’m scared,

different methods but I’m ready.

I have endless letters for my mum

I cry as I write this because I don’t know when ill end this.

I just keep on writing,

maybe that light won’t meet my face

and maybe this is just all in the heat of the moment but my mind and body aren’t in the same place.

See my mind took off,

sailing away trying to find some type of force and strength that will blow me away.

Damn I tried so many times,

and every time I try, I tell myself

“This is going to be the last time.”

-Rica

Sometimes you can’t help but to feel alone even when there’s a room filled with people, I know how it feels and it isn’t a nice feeling.
Or having to suppress how you feel just because you’re simply tired of what people may think of you.
You’re never alone, no matter what.

I’m not an expert nor a know it all, I just know how this feels.
If you ever feel alone to the point where life seems way too draining I’m here to listen (@RicaPenWrites_ dms are always open)

or

if you need to talk to a stranger whom is also there to listen

• Samaritans (116 123) (http://www.samaritans.org) operates a 24-hour service available every day of the year. If you prefer to write down how you’re feeling, or if you’re worried about being overheard on the phone, you can email them at jo@samaritans.org.

• Childline (0800 1111) (https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/contacting-childline/) helpline for children and young people in the UK. Calls are free and the number won’t show up on your phone bill either.

• PAPYRUS (0800 068 41 41) (https://www.papyrus-uk.org/#) is a voluntary organisation supporting teenagers and young adults.

• Students Against Depression (http://studentsagainstdepression.org)

• Bullying UK (http://www.bullying.co.uk) is a website for both children and adults affected by bullying.

2 thoughts on “If I could 

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