21. (jaded to faded)

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a long road

a long road to adulthood

as a kid it was the goal

spending time setting goals the future you would certainly obtain

 

spent time wanting to be old

old enough to have my name on stuff

just to know i owned it

old enough to say no for myself

old enough to have a voice loud enough to be heard

at 8 i wished i was 12

at 12 i wished i was 18

but at 18 my back wheels fell off

life didn’t feel like a game anymore

fun was just a reward

for the lil things

the big things

love seemed like the ultimate goal

id dive in helplessly

knowing i might get rescued

but i’ve never been saved before

 

times where i felt i had all the time in the world

turned out to be the moments i hold close

time slips away like sand

it slips and fades away 

from jaded to faded memories

 

started doing what i have to

instead of what i want to

started seeking approval from people who didn’t know me

started seeing myself in a whole new light

i could conquer it all in my dreams

so i slept less

dreams bring the nightmares

all ravelled in one

 

watching all these people around me

i wonder

“are they okay?”

“are they content?”

“did they settle?”

the wants and needs start to be less creative and more realistic

but what i want out of life is more than just comfort

i want an ideal, creative, liberating, practical, logical life

which always tilts the scale

 

i grew up wanting to be young again

moments i lived but wasn’t present for

i was never in the moment

always thinking about

yesterday

tomorrow

and

forever

never enjoying the right now

not knowing that

 

time slips

right in front of our eyes

from jaded to faded memories

in the blink of an eye.

 

-Rica.

One thought on “21. (jaded to faded)

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