Panic is all I know
the state of calm often feels weird to me
I fight it sometimes
I’m scared of being whole
I’m scared of feeling empty
so empty no parts of me can stay here
I say I’m not afraid but I fear so much.
My insecurities eat me up, chew me up
and then spit me back out
leaves me with no substance after the fact.
I wish I said I loved myself and meant it,
so much changes to make but sometimes I think to myself
if I did shed the weight I still wouldn’t like my face so what’s the point ?
I do the self pity dance alot for someone with no rhythm, I keep the dance floor active
stepping but not in the name of love.
So much damage
not enough repairs
makes me wonder am I eternally bleeding yet ?
A perfect life would include a dozen smiles
and a dozen hours spent laughing,
a perfect life would be an active family and not just mum trying to play every role in the play.
A perfect life would be my heart spending a lifetime loving and not a lifetime trying to fix it.
Why am I obsessed with not feeling anything?
Spent years feeling every attack,
my mind and heart are both numb now.
Will my thoughts save me or will they kill me this time around?